twenty-fifteen

2014 has been tough and very challenging year. 

there's so many trials and problems that I've encountered and as I say in my last blog, 

the year passed by so fast. 

but through it, I've learned so many things,  

- I've learn that not all best are true. 

- Not because you wanted something/someone to stay, it will. because people and things are not permanent.you have to accept things and move forward.

- Try Hard

- Even if the road may seem so rough, keep moving forward besides No pain , No Gain.

- Always treasure every moment (good or bad) and learn from it.

- Enjoy every moment of you life, and be thankful.

- always give your best at everything and be confident.

though 2014 has been tough and quite rough, even if I  lose friends and doesn't have work (yet).there still so many things that I have to thank  God. 

as the year End, I'm thanking God because he never leave me, even if I'm losing faith and stop believing, hes always there and keep on reminding me that he love's me and still there for me no matter what. he keeps on showering blessings even if sometimes I never see it that way. I also thank  God for his provision, for his non stop Love and care. for a complete and healthy family. for keeping us safe. I thank God for everything.

And as 2015 comes, I know God Is still with me. and he will keep on guiding my family and me as I continue my journey. I know 2015 will be a great and blessed year, because I'm with God.

P.S

New years resolution.

-be optimistic,

- reduce madness, hatred and depression.

-never expect, never assume.
-less insecure (I want to say no more insecure but it was impossible so LESS)
-Work hard
-Love my family
-don't get mad easily on stupid and small things
-be patient (no more shouting)
-smile

-Love

and most of all always put God in the center of my everything

Twenty-Fourteen

December 31,2014, 12:29 am.

Last day of the year.so I guess, I have to seize the day. Carpe Diem!

and..

woah, I can't believe the year ended just like that. in an instant.

 I don't have much to talk about because I did nothing.

I think I spend 80% of my 2014 in our house and the rest I guess doing random things.

I can't believe I wasted my time too much on nothing. 

I didn't even lose weight fvck 

It's Over. I guess.

Something's just falling out of place.

I guess that "Friendship" thingy is over.

they hangout with others and I feel like they feel that they belong to that group. 

they keep secrets.you know, that Hanging out with informing em, not inviting em.

I'm not saying and I never said that they can't be friends with others or they can't hang out with others or what, its just that, It's kinda sad, feeling you've been forgotten by your friends, Its kinda suck actually. although they never say it to em. but you know it, and you can feel it. I'm not that numb.

"2014 taught me that people are temporary. We outgrow people and it's okay."

post I saw on Tumblr last week

 and yes it's true. I've realized that people are temporary, you can't control them. even your friendship. People will come and go into your life and you have to be prepared on what might happen in the future right? if they want to leave, they'll leave and you can't make them stay even if you want to.

and you just have to accept it even if it hurts.

and yeah. I've cried for it TONS! i've cried for it so much. and now I can say that I'm okay, I already cried so much and I'm tired of that Sh*t. I'm already in the process of Accpeting. and eventually I will forget the pain.

Current mood. 

PS : If ever they see this post, atleast I said what I wanted to say. and  I love them soo much it hurts seeing them forgetting me. but I still love them. and every time I'm with you guys I just can't explain the happiness I'm feeling and it' can't be paid with money.

Escape

The reason why I stay up too late is mainly because I don't want to over think too much, 

like, How I did earlier, the last time, yesterday and even in the past, like how I was as a person, and my failures. And those thoughts keeps on haunting me every single night. And I always ends up crying, like TONS! hate being exhausted.

I feel kinda depress right now, actually always. I easily got depress over some stupids things, cliche things, that even you if you will know what are those stupid and cliche reasons why I got depress, I know you'll laugh at me. and I, myself,don't even know why. 

whenever I'm on my bed and thinking about things, the past, when I'm alone and can't fall asleep,  everyone were asleep all the things that makes me sad and depress flashbacks and It just hurts so bad. So bad that I have to release it, to cry until I got tired.

So to keep that from happening, I stay up late, so when I was really really sleepy and when I close my eyes and that's it. 

****

Though no one can really avoid it. staying up late is just one of our escape from this particular time but the truth is no one can avoid it. and we have to face it eventually, maybe not now but eventually there will come a time that we'll going to cry and release the pains and it felt good because after that you'll get tired and falls asleep.

PS. 

crying makes you feel better, that's true. but what I'm experiencing right now is not healthy, co'z I was like crying for about three nights. 

(just saying)

Not now, not ever.

It's always fun being with them, 

non-stop laughing, joking, insulting each other.

getting drunk, eat. Laugh again.

and vice versa. though, of course you cant avoid drama's

then misunderstanding happens. and it involves me. though at first I wasn't included in the fight, 

and I was kind of sad because I wasn't supposed to be included, I mean as far I know,I didn't do anything wrong.

It's sad to see friendship falls apart, It's sad because I don't know what to do, we haven't see each other and even talked about it.

I hope It gets better soon, and I hope they're not mad at me.

I don't want this friendshipto be over

Not now, not ever.

I want this friendship lasts forever. 

I love them.

Nahhh!

I don't have much to talk about and it sucks.

lately, all I do is stay and babysit in our house, because I don't have work yet, haay I wish I have. 

It's been seven months and nothing happens. no adventure no travel.

plus! I don't have inspiration. love? friends? or anything

and its been 2 months since I stopped reading.

Rejection

"Rejection doesn't mean you aren't good enough, it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer.

I saw this on tumblr earlier and I hope to feel the same way, to believe that the problem is not me.  

I just got rejected (AGAIN) on an interview. this is funny but sad that I have been through interviews so many times and I always got rejected (I want to cry right now) and its funny, even though I've been through lots of rejections its still hurts. It fvcking HURTS so much every time im having an interview and got rejected. while my batch mates is having a great life and a good Job, I'm still here,stuck, fvcked up,wasted. 

so last Wednesday I had an interview in this soon to open hotel and as I say I got rejected. so there's this guy, the interviewer asked random questions, usually asked through an interview but the thing is, he make it hard, and i don't know why I slightly did not understand him i got blocked or maybe I got shy. Don't get me wrong he's smart, I know he is. and on the last part ( the part when i know that Im rejected) he asked me why I didn't get a job before and I tell him that all my interviews needed a person with experience and I got non, and he tells me that I'm lying, because he said he, himself accepts fresh graduates without experience and he tells me that is because the persons personality, the way that people speak. and he said that I am not confident, that I came there with thoughts of not being good enough. and that moment, that very moment slapped me in the face that maybe he's right, maybe those companies, establishments they're not the problem. its me. I'm the problem I'm not good enough. I'm not beautiful enough, I don't have the good looks, body and maybe I'm not smart enough. Gosh I hate myself, I hate myself for not being good enough.

I failed myself again, and most especially I failed my parents, I failed my Family. I'm so sorry that I am such a failure. I'm sorry for being this way. I'm sorry coz I'm not good enough. I'm sorry because I always fail you. I'm such a failure, I'm such a loser.

and it hurts to know that you're not good enough. sometimes I'm losing faith, maybe stopped believing in my self.

I still want to believe him. I still want to know his purpose for me. and I know he has great plans for me.