People don't trust me, and I understand. I mean I don't even trust myself, so why would they?

Well that was quite a long Title but that's how it is.

I post this phrase on my facebook account and decided to hide it after a few hours because iam friends with my supervisor, she might think that this post is related to work or chu chu, which is quite right tho'.

So let me start this Blog with:

"People don't trust me, and I understand. I mean I don't even trust myself, so why would they?" - 12:02 am thought of a stupid girl.

it's been months since. . .  I started. you know, this thing but I'm still and still feel stupid about everything, About the work, about interacting with people/bosses I always has this awkard self everytime i talked with people especially with my bosses so I fail everytime I got awkward or nervous talking with them that's why my bosses hates me, and you know it's been months and i'm still the girl who's like I  just got the job without knowing everything and must be guided with someone who knows evertyhing. What's sad about this is by showing that side of me, the awkward girl, ther nervous, The Stupid Girl is people don't trust me. they did'nt trust me to handle bigger things. And just like what I said, I understand because I don't even trust myself. I'm trying my best, I'm giving extra effort for this shit (And i don't know if they notice) but im doing my best.

But I know, I can do better. 

I can be better.

This job may not be for me. But in some way I might be better.

LOL!

Just f*ck what they think. Do good and be better. 

Torn between Holding On and Giving up

Half of me say's "I want to move forward, I want to stay still", while the other half say's "I wanted to quit" I am so not myself this past few days, I don't know if someone can feel it or can sense it, i just don't. As I say with my previous blog, I feel like i dont fit to that Job.

What make's me to write this, is that I wanted to release what I'm holding inside, sometimes i'm happy, sometimes i'm not.

 I guess I'll just have to go with the flow, that, what comes around, I just have go with it, to learn from everyday, to learn from my mistakes, to gain knowledge.

Part of me knew that I haven't given my best, so i have to be strong and keep on fighting.


Keep Smiling Tho!

P.S I have to post pictures and take as much pictures (Bucket list)

ERRORIST

Hello!

I've been very busy this past few months, because of work of course. Every time i get home I just wanted to sleep and relaxed, plus! I don't have to say much. No adventure, No mega GALA!, no good times with friends. 

My job is amazing, but very very tough! it looks simple but it's not. My almost five months of being in the tourism field is not that easy, I've been through Up's and Downs, and it got me to the point where I wanted to give up, I wanted to quit but i said to myself, "you can't! not now!". I mean, I  don't wan't to give up, even if i really really wanted to, It's okay if my boss fire me, well in that case I didn't give up, right?  

I'm feeling incomplete, As I said my job is amazing, but i'm still searching for something else. I really really want an adventure. but I don't think I can do it with that kind of work. I don't know why. And I guess i didn't fit to that job, I'm so stupid for that job, I always make mistake. 

STUPID and, ERRORIST (someone who is repeatedly makes mistake, or is always wrong)

I consider myself as that.

That Trekking feeling!

It's been a over month since my last post and guess what?! 

I already had a job!!! wonderful isn't it?

my depression is lesser than before, though I still have that depression thingy (The usual, just depart the "not having a job") So yeah! I work on a travel agency, and I loved it! super! it's not the usual office thingy, it's fun! and enjoy! you won't get bored plus your surrounded with great people.

Let me share this wonderful feeling I had last February 27.

I love adventure, and I would love to have lots of adventures in the future.

It's not the usual trip, it's more like work, but I really enjoyed it and I had so much fun even though we had a guest(not gonna tell the story about that, its creepy, and he suck!!!)

change topic. this was my first adventure is 2015, and I hope it's not the last, we had trekking at Sabang, where Underground river is, it's tiring but its super fun! gonna detailed it, so it goes like this we had a boat from Sabang wharf to Undergound River which took 30-45 minutes i guess, and after that, the guest's explore the cave for 45 minutes then trekking for 2 and a half hours from Underground to Sabang. HAHA 'twas fun!

Some picture I took during the "adventure"hihi

I wasn't allowed to take picture actually, because I came there for work not as a guest but I can't help it,  that's why I took ugly shots, excuse my shots...

This was one of the first ways from Underground River to Sabang.

The cave itself though I was from the ugly side of the good view.

So that was my experience. so good !!!
Hoping for next adventures!!!

Double dead Heart

Okay, I'm done! 

100% Done fangirling!

or NAH! just Kidding.

Remember my P.S on "What Hurts the Most"? blog?

This is what I said "P.S Ashton Irwin, please save me! and please don't date someone, Not right now, because it will hurt me so much"

Well I was kinda late. He's seeing/dating someone now.
well, its not really it's not really that surprising, remember when he is rumored dating Kendall Jenner and Gemma Styles (Harry's Styles' sister)? and he had girlfriend back when they are not that famous .

Don't get me wrong, I"M NOT SAYING THAT HE CAN'T DATE SOMEONE. 'CAUSE IM NOT REALLY IN THE POSITION TO SAY THAT AND WHO AM I TO SAY THOSE THINGS TO HIM. I'M REALLY NO ONE!

I admit, I got sad. But I'm not mad or what.

It's just that, Harry and Ashton are my Two major crush right now, and everybody knows how it hurts seeing your crush with someone right? and I just say that "Not right now" because Harry just broke my baby heart. And I can't stand (maybe) if Ash date  a girl now. 

Well, Applause! because I am alive, breathing and still Kicking! hahaha

Credits to the Owners

This pictures are from Instagram. (not mine)

here are some pictures of Ash with a blond girl

This was all just a rumour. No one proves it. 

No one really have to spread things, Until Ashton say it by Himself.

I still Love and respect Harry and Ashton No matter what.

 His smile.., If he's Happy then I'm Happy for him.

This is soooo sweet :)

I just realized that you can't control someone's emotion, even if they had Millions of fans that doesn't approved Some of their decisions,  And If you are truly a fan, you'll going to accept and love your Idol no matter what. 

I'm not really done fangirling because it's me. I'm always the fan girl (Not the girl) haha

But I'm done Obsessing,  you know my obsession thingy. because its not healthy. 

But I will still support them :)

And who Knows, I might be Ashton or Harry's next Girlfriend right?
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Well 21

We'll as you know, I never blog about my birthday, just the day before, wishing I was younger. 

I never blog about it because it's always ... nothing happens. 

just another day. and every year on my birthday, I don't know I just feel sad and un-contended, though I don't have to feel that way, right? I mean I'm thankful. very much thankful for everything. but I always feel this "not contended" thingy and I feel really BAD about it. about how I acted and how I'm feeling. it's really unfair for God because he did and give everything for me, yet I was not contended and unhappy. and I'm sorry papa God.

it's 10:37 pm. 1 hour and 23 minutes before my birthday and I'm 21. 

At 21 I already have so many regrets. wishing that i have done this, that,  went here, there. and everything I wish I did but I didn't do. I know 21 is still young but I wish I did so many things on my younger age. 

well "sabi nga nila: Nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Hindi ka pwedeng mag sisi sa simula"

I wish 2015 and the next years will be my year. I don't want to grow old with so many regrets. 

One of the things I don't want to happen when I get old is sitting in my chair thingking about things I wish I did but I did not do. 

I want to travel the world, write poems, eat. make music, spent precious moments with my family and friends. watch concerts. had a beautiful Job, to be successful, contented and many things!

 and maybe fall inlove. 

Happy Birthday to me!

PS. dear self, please be Happy, Try not to cry this year and be contended.

twenty-fifteen

2014 has been tough and very challenging year. 

there's so many trials and problems that I've encountered and as I say in my last blog, 

the year passed by so fast. 

but through it, I've learned so many things,  

- I've learn that not all best are true. 

- Not because you wanted something/someone to stay, it will. because people and things are not permanent.you have to accept things and move forward.

- Try Hard

- Even if the road may seem so rough, keep moving forward besides No pain , No Gain.

- Always treasure every moment (good or bad) and learn from it.

- Enjoy every moment of you life, and be thankful.

- always give your best at everything and be confident.

though 2014 has been tough and quite rough, even if I  lose friends and doesn't have work (yet).there still so many things that I have to thank  God. 

as the year End, I'm thanking God because he never leave me, even if I'm losing faith and stop believing, hes always there and keep on reminding me that he love's me and still there for me no matter what. he keeps on showering blessings even if sometimes I never see it that way. I also thank  God for his provision, for his non stop Love and care. for a complete and healthy family. for keeping us safe. I thank God for everything.

And as 2015 comes, I know God Is still with me. and he will keep on guiding my family and me as I continue my journey. I know 2015 will be a great and blessed year, because I'm with God.

P.S

New years resolution.

-be optimistic,

- reduce madness, hatred and depression.

-never expect, never assume.
-less insecure (I want to say no more insecure but it was impossible so LESS)
-Work hard
-Love my family
-don't get mad easily on stupid and small things
-be patient (no more shouting)
-smile

-Love

and most of all always put God in the center of my everything

Twenty-Fourteen

December 31,2014, 12:29 am.

Last day of the year.so I guess, I have to seize the day. Carpe Diem!

and..

woah, I can't believe the year ended just like that. in an instant.

 I don't have much to talk about because I did nothing.

I think I spend 80% of my 2014 in our house and the rest I guess doing random things.

I can't believe I wasted my time too much on nothing. 

I didn't even lose weight fvck 

It's Over. I guess.

Something's just falling out of place.

I guess that "Friendship" thingy is over.

they hangout with others and I feel like they feel that they belong to that group. 

they keep secrets.you know, that Hanging out with informing em, not inviting em.

I'm not saying and I never said that they can't be friends with others or they can't hang out with others or what, its just that, It's kinda sad, feeling you've been forgotten by your friends, Its kinda suck actually. although they never say it to em. but you know it, and you can feel it. I'm not that numb.

"2014 taught me that people are temporary. We outgrow people and it's okay."

post I saw on Tumblr last week

 and yes it's true. I've realized that people are temporary, you can't control them. even your friendship. People will come and go into your life and you have to be prepared on what might happen in the future right? if they want to leave, they'll leave and you can't make them stay even if you want to.

and you just have to accept it even if it hurts.

and yeah. I've cried for it TONS! i've cried for it so much. and now I can say that I'm okay, I already cried so much and I'm tired of that Sh*t. I'm already in the process of Accpeting. and eventually I will forget the pain.

Current mood. 

PS : If ever they see this post, atleast I said what I wanted to say. and  I love them soo much it hurts seeing them forgetting me. but I still love them. and every time I'm with you guys I just can't explain the happiness I'm feeling and it' can't be paid with money.

Escape

The reason why I stay up too late is mainly because I don't want to over think too much, 

like, How I did earlier, the last time, yesterday and even in the past, like how I was as a person, and my failures. And those thoughts keeps on haunting me every single night. And I always ends up crying, like TONS! hate being exhausted.

I feel kinda depress right now, actually always. I easily got depress over some stupids things, cliche things, that even you if you will know what are those stupid and cliche reasons why I got depress, I know you'll laugh at me. and I, myself,don't even know why. 

whenever I'm on my bed and thinking about things, the past, when I'm alone and can't fall asleep,  everyone were asleep all the things that makes me sad and depress flashbacks and It just hurts so bad. So bad that I have to release it, to cry until I got tired.

So to keep that from happening, I stay up late, so when I was really really sleepy and when I close my eyes and that's it. 

****

Though no one can really avoid it. staying up late is just one of our escape from this particular time but the truth is no one can avoid it. and we have to face it eventually, maybe not now but eventually there will come a time that we'll going to cry and release the pains and it felt good because after that you'll get tired and falls asleep.

PS. 

crying makes you feel better, that's true. but what I'm experiencing right now is not healthy, co'z I was like crying for about three nights. 

(just saying)

Not now, not ever.

It's always fun being with them, 

non-stop laughing, joking, insulting each other.

getting drunk, eat. Laugh again.

and vice versa. though, of course you cant avoid drama's

then misunderstanding happens. and it involves me. though at first I wasn't included in the fight, 

and I was kind of sad because I wasn't supposed to be included, I mean as far I know,I didn't do anything wrong.

It's sad to see friendship falls apart, It's sad because I don't know what to do, we haven't see each other and even talked about it.

I hope It gets better soon, and I hope they're not mad at me.

I don't want this friendshipto be over

Not now, not ever.

I want this friendship lasts forever. 

I love them.

Nahhh!

I don't have much to talk about and it sucks.

lately, all I do is stay and babysit in our house, because I don't have work yet, haay I wish I have. 

It's been seven months and nothing happens. no adventure no travel.

plus! I don't have inspiration. love? friends? or anything

and its been 2 months since I stopped reading.

Rejection

"Rejection doesn't mean you aren't good enough, it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer.

I saw this on tumblr earlier and I hope to feel the same way, to believe that the problem is not me.  

I just got rejected (AGAIN) on an interview. this is funny but sad that I have been through interviews so many times and I always got rejected (I want to cry right now) and its funny, even though I've been through lots of rejections its still hurts. It fvcking HURTS so much every time im having an interview and got rejected. while my batch mates is having a great life and a good Job, I'm still here,stuck, fvcked up,wasted. 

so last Wednesday I had an interview in this soon to open hotel and as I say I got rejected. so there's this guy, the interviewer asked random questions, usually asked through an interview but the thing is, he make it hard, and i don't know why I slightly did not understand him i got blocked or maybe I got shy. Don't get me wrong he's smart, I know he is. and on the last part ( the part when i know that Im rejected) he asked me why I didn't get a job before and I tell him that all my interviews needed a person with experience and I got non, and he tells me that I'm lying, because he said he, himself accepts fresh graduates without experience and he tells me that is because the persons personality, the way that people speak. and he said that I am not confident, that I came there with thoughts of not being good enough. and that moment, that very moment slapped me in the face that maybe he's right, maybe those companies, establishments they're not the problem. its me. I'm the problem I'm not good enough. I'm not beautiful enough, I don't have the good looks, body and maybe I'm not smart enough. Gosh I hate myself, I hate myself for not being good enough.

I failed myself again, and most especially I failed my parents, I failed my Family. I'm so sorry that I am such a failure. I'm sorry for being this way. I'm sorry coz I'm not good enough. I'm sorry because I always fail you. I'm such a failure, I'm such a loser.

and it hurts to know that you're not good enough. sometimes I'm losing faith, maybe stopped believing in my self.

I still want to believe him. I still want to know his purpose for me. and I know he has great plans for me.

SImple introduction

Questions I found From Tumblr

“MAKE ME REGRET PUTTING THIS UP BY BEING CURIOUS AND ASKING ME QUESTIONS.”

—

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?  Alex (Nephew) 2. Are you outgoing or shy?  Outgoing and Shy  3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Ed Sheeran and One Direction (hoping) 4. Are you easy to get along with? Yes. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?  Impossible 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Funny 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? its IMPOSSIBLE  8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Ohshit! he can't be ! 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? syempre naman! haha 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Anna 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?  Diploma in teaching Requirements 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Wake me up - Ed Sheeran, All of me - John Legend, Sunburn - Ed Sheeran, Over Again - One Direction, All too well - Taylor Swift 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? No, my hair sucks 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Miracles only 15. What good thing happened this summer? Aside from Graduating College, Living and Breathing 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Never been Kissed 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? I think so  18. Do you still talk to your first crush? no. 19. Do you like bubble baths? yes. 20. Do you like your neighbors? no. 21. What are you bad habits? drinking 22. Where would you like to travel? I want to travel The world. 23. Do you have trust issues? no. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? eating. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Legs. 26. What do you do when you wake up? Thanking God for a new Life 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Lighter 28. Who are you most comfortable around? Friends. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? no Ex's Haha never had a boyfriend 30. Do you ever want to get married? ofcourse 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? yes. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? HAHA!  33. Spell your name with your chin. jhasqnh azhygtrfeded 34. Do you play sports? What sports? I wat to be Sporty 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? can't live without both. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Always. 37. What do you say during awkward silences? toooot toooot! or " may anghel na dumaan" then Laugh 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? someone i can count on 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? - 40. What do you want to do after high school? - 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? depends on the situation. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?  mad / in pain / depress 43. Do you smile at strangers? no. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Both. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Alex (Nephew) 46. What are you paranoid about? - 47. Have you ever been high? no. 48. Have you ever been drunk? yes. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? yes.  50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Grey 51. Ever wished you were someone else? sometimes. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i had flawless skin 53. Favourite makeup brand? not into make ups. 54. Favourite store? - 55. Favourite blog? Aria and Nina 56. Favourite colour? - 57. Favourite food? - 58. Last thing you ate? nilagang baka 59. First thing you ate this morning? kitkat 60. Ever won a competition? For what? nah! 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?  no. 62. Been arrested? For what? never. 63. Ever been in love?  never been inlove. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? never been kissed HAHA 65. Are you hungry right now? yes.  66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? no 67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook 68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr. 69. Are you watching tv right now? no. 70. Names of your bestfriends? -------------- 71. Craving something? What?  Binagoongang Ampalaya  72. What colour are your towels? Dirty white, yellow and blue 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? two. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? not more that ten i think 75. Favourite animal? bird 76. What colour is your underwear? pink 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla 78. Favourite ice cream flavour?  ube 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? grey 80. What colour pants? pink Pj's 81. Favourite tv show? -  82. Favourite movie? -  83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean Girls. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean Girls 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Regina George 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? nemo 87. First person you talked to today? Mama 88. Last person you talked to today? Mama 89. Name a person you hate? - 90. Name a person you love? - 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? no 92. In a fight with someone? no 93. How many sweatpants do you have?  nine i think  94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? four 95. Last movie you watched? The First Time 96. Favourite actress? - 97. Favourite actor? - 98. Do you tan a lot? no  99. Have any pets? no 100. How are you feeling? steady  101. Do you type fast? sakto lang  102. Do you regret anything from your past? Alot! 103. Can you spell well? yes. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? yes. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yes.  106. Ever broken someone’s heart? no. 107. Have you ever been on a horse? no. 108. What should you be doing? -  109. Is something irritating you right now? -  110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yes. 111. Do you have trust issues? no. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? -  113. What was your childhood nickname?  bimbim 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?  yes. 115. Do you play the Wii? no. 116. Are you listening to music right now? no. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yes. 118. Do you like Chinese food? little. 119. Favourite book? THE FAULT IN OUR STARS 120. Are you afraid of the dark? yes.  121. Are you mean? can't tell. 122. Is cheating ever okay? ofcourse NO! 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? yes. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? NO 125. Do you believe in true love? yes. 126. Are you currently bored? no. 127. What makes you happy? -  128. Would you change your name? no. 129. What your zodiac sign? Aquarius  130. Do you like subway? ---- 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? no guy bestfriend 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? I already answered this. 133. Favourite lyrics right now? your lipstick stain is a work of art 134. Can you count to one million? no. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I'm Okay 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed 137. How tall are you? 5'4 138. Curly or Straight hair? Curly 139. Brunette or Blonde? Black! 140. Summer or Winter? Summer. 141. Night or Day? -  142. Favourite month? December  143. Are you a vegetarian? no 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? White Chocolate 145. Tea or Coffee? both 146. Was today a good day? yes. 147. Mars or Snickers? -  148. What’s your favourite quote? - 149. Do you believe in ghosts? no. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? "Name with place where God had talked with him bethel."