People don't trust me, and I understand. I mean I don't even trust myself, so why would they?

Well that was quite a long Title but that's how it is.

I post this phrase on my facebook account and decided to hide it after a few hours because iam friends with my supervisor, she might think that this post is related to work or chu chu, which is quite right tho'.

So let me start this Blog with:

"People don't trust me, and I understand. I mean I don't even trust myself, so why would they?" - 12:02 am thought of a stupid girl.

it's been months since. . .  I started. you know, this thing but I'm still and still feel stupid about everything, About the work, about interacting with people/bosses I always has this awkard self everytime i talked with people especially with my bosses so I fail everytime I got awkward or nervous talking with them that's why my bosses hates me, and you know it's been months and i'm still the girl who's like I  just got the job without knowing everything and must be guided with someone who knows evertyhing. What's sad about this is by showing that side of me, the awkward girl, ther nervous, The Stupid Girl is people don't trust me. they did'nt trust me to handle bigger things. And just like what I said, I understand because I don't even trust myself. I'm trying my best, I'm giving extra effort for this shit (And i don't know if they notice) but im doing my best.

But I know, I can do better. 

I can be better.

This job may not be for me. But in some way I might be better.

LOL!

Just f*ck what they think. Do good and be better. 

Torn between Holding On and Giving up

Half of me say's "I want to move forward, I want to stay still", while the other half say's "I wanted to quit" I am so not myself this past few days, I don't know if someone can feel it or can sense it, i just don't. As I say with my previous blog, I feel like i dont fit to that Job.

What make's me to write this, is that I wanted to release what I'm holding inside, sometimes i'm happy, sometimes i'm not.

 I guess I'll just have to go with the flow, that, what comes around, I just have go with it, to learn from everyday, to learn from my mistakes, to gain knowledge.

Part of me knew that I haven't given my best, so i have to be strong and keep on fighting.


Keep Smiling Tho!

P.S I have to post pictures and take as much pictures (Bucket list)

ERRORIST

Hello!

I've been very busy this past few months, because of work of course. Every time i get home I just wanted to sleep and relaxed, plus! I don't have to say much. No adventure, No mega GALA!, no good times with friends. 

My job is amazing, but very very tough! it looks simple but it's not. My almost five months of being in the tourism field is not that easy, I've been through Up's and Downs, and it got me to the point where I wanted to give up, I wanted to quit but i said to myself, "you can't! not now!". I mean, I  don't wan't to give up, even if i really really wanted to, It's okay if my boss fire me, well in that case I didn't give up, right?  

I'm feeling incomplete, As I said my job is amazing, but i'm still searching for something else. I really really want an adventure. but I don't think I can do it with that kind of work. I don't know why. And I guess i didn't fit to that job, I'm so stupid for that job, I always make mistake. 

STUPID and, ERRORIST (someone who is repeatedly makes mistake, or is always wrong)

I consider myself as that.

That Trekking feeling!

It's been a over month since my last post and guess what?! 

I already had a job!!! wonderful isn't it?

my depression is lesser than before, though I still have that depression thingy (The usual, just depart the "not having a job") So yeah! I work on a travel agency, and I loved it! super! it's not the usual office thingy, it's fun! and enjoy! you won't get bored plus your surrounded with great people.

Let me share this wonderful feeling I had last February 27.

I love adventure, and I would love to have lots of adventures in the future.

It's not the usual trip, it's more like work, but I really enjoyed it and I had so much fun even though we had a guest(not gonna tell the story about that, its creepy, and he suck!!!)

change topic. this was my first adventure is 2015, and I hope it's not the last, we had trekking at Sabang, where Underground river is, it's tiring but its super fun! gonna detailed it, so it goes like this we had a boat from Sabang wharf to Undergound River which took 30-45 minutes i guess, and after that, the guest's explore the cave for 45 minutes then trekking for 2 and a half hours from Underground to Sabang. HAHA 'twas fun!

Some picture I took during the "adventure"hihi

I wasn't allowed to take picture actually, because I came there for work not as a guest but I can't help it,  that's why I took ugly shots, excuse my shots...

This was one of the first ways from Underground River to Sabang.

The cave itself though I was from the ugly side of the good view.

So that was my experience. so good !!!
Hoping for next adventures!!!

Double dead Heart

Okay, I'm done! 

100% Done fangirling!

or NAH! just Kidding.

Remember my P.S on "What Hurts the Most"? blog?

This is what I said "P.S Ashton Irwin, please save me! and please don't date someone, Not right now, because it will hurt me so much"

Well I was kinda late. He's seeing/dating someone now.
well, its not really it's not really that surprising, remember when he is rumored dating Kendall Jenner and Gemma Styles (Harry's Styles' sister)? and he had girlfriend back when they are not that famous .

Don't get me wrong, I"M NOT SAYING THAT HE CAN'T DATE SOMEONE. 'CAUSE IM NOT REALLY IN THE POSITION TO SAY THAT AND WHO AM I TO SAY THOSE THINGS TO HIM. I'M REALLY NO ONE!

I admit, I got sad. But I'm not mad or what.

It's just that, Harry and Ashton are my Two major crush right now, and everybody knows how it hurts seeing your crush with someone right? and I just say that "Not right now" because Harry just broke my baby heart. And I can't stand (maybe) if Ash date  a girl now. 

Well, Applause! because I am alive, breathing and still Kicking! hahaha

Credits to the Owners

This pictures are from Instagram. (not mine)

here are some pictures of Ash with a blond girl

This was all just a rumour. No one proves it. 

No one really have to spread things, Until Ashton say it by Himself.

I still Love and respect Harry and Ashton No matter what.

 His smile.., If he's Happy then I'm Happy for him.

This is soooo sweet :)

I just realized that you can't control someone's emotion, even if they had Millions of fans that doesn't approved Some of their decisions,  And If you are truly a fan, you'll going to accept and love your Idol no matter what. 

I'm not really done fangirling because it's me. I'm always the fan girl (Not the girl) haha

But I'm done Obsessing,  you know my obsession thingy. because its not healthy. 

But I will still support them :)

And who Knows, I might be Ashton or Harry's next Girlfriend right?
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Well 21

We'll as you know, I never blog about my birthday, just the day before, wishing I was younger. 

I never blog about it because it's always ... nothing happens. 

just another day. and every year on my birthday, I don't know I just feel sad and un-contended, though I don't have to feel that way, right? I mean I'm thankful. very much thankful for everything. but I always feel this "not contended" thingy and I feel really BAD about it. about how I acted and how I'm feeling. it's really unfair for God because he did and give everything for me, yet I was not contended and unhappy. and I'm sorry papa God.

it's 10:37 pm. 1 hour and 23 minutes before my birthday and I'm 21. 

At 21 I already have so many regrets. wishing that i have done this, that,  went here, there. and everything I wish I did but I didn't do. I know 21 is still young but I wish I did so many things on my younger age. 

well "sabi nga nila: Nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Hindi ka pwedeng mag sisi sa simula"

I wish 2015 and the next years will be my year. I don't want to grow old with so many regrets. 

One of the things I don't want to happen when I get old is sitting in my chair thingking about things I wish I did but I did not do. 

I want to travel the world, write poems, eat. make music, spent precious moments with my family and friends. watch concerts. had a beautiful Job, to be successful, contented and many things!

 and maybe fall inlove. 

Happy Birthday to me!

PS. dear self, please be Happy, Try not to cry this year and be contended.

What hurts the most?

I don't know what hurts most, Being in love with a super famous guy who is so much far from you and maybe you'll never get to meet him.

or some guy who is near from you but you can't have him?

though I never felt the second question. I mean I'm just curious, there are girls who falls in love with  her classmate, or his schoolmate, childhood friend or her neighbor who is really near from her but they can't be together.

And me?. having a BIG crush or I guess LOVE towards  a member of a boyband. Is there a difference between the two? or who is much acceptable? 

Maybe the other girl right? being in love with the guy who is near from her. and the fact that you two knew each other, and see's each other, and talked to each other.

though she can't have him. but there's a chance and really acceptable. 

And being in love with a famous guy who is a member of a famous boy band is UN-acceptable for so many people, some may say that it's nonsense, it is cliche  and so stupid. some may say "that guy didn't even know you, he didn't know you exist and you haven't talked to him. and now your telling me that your'e in love with him?"

SAD but true! I don't know why? but I have the feels. 

you know that feeling, the pain you get after seeing him with a girl on the internet? those candid photos of him and the girl he's dating?. when he is rumored and see's dating this girl, that girl? One of the things that hurts is all the girls that hes' dating and he dated is so perf, and flawless and so sexy and beautiful? the feeling when you know you can't be that girl, that you will never be that girl?

you know it? Well it sucks! 

you know what? it will heal in time. they always said that pain is not permanent right? and will pass and it will get better right? 

And the truth is I think their relationship won't last. 

this is Nadine Leopold. Harry and her are rumored dating

This was my very first heartbroken in 2015

 I have a little story:

that day, I saw it on facebook on some article and when I clikcked and read it I cried (the cry joke) and I'm with my 3year old Nephew who knows that I like Harry Styles (well actually what he knows is Harry is my Boyfriend so if you asked him right now who is my Boyfriend he will tell you it's Harry STyles hahahaha)so back to the story I'm crying(the cry joke) saying "Harry Already has a girlfriend. Alex! (my nephews name)harry has a girlfriend!" he slapped me in the face so Hard! maybe he got annoyed hahaha! so thats the story and I know its stupid.

this was taken last january 7,2015 Nadine's Birthday Lunch at Habana in Malibu plus! they also had dinner together with some friends at Nobu in Malibu. plus! harry gave her pink balloons which he's car is filled with those pink balloons while arriving in the venue

what a lucky girl. I always wanted Harry.

 And this was taken yesterday January 22, 2015 this photo is from a fans twitter (@haileybuitrago) which his father taken.

this picture also took yesterday January 22,2015 while Harry and Nadine getting frozen yogurt in LA.

(sad face while typing.)

Those Lucky Girls! the girls that Harry dated. the girls that have the privilege to kiss his smooth, lovely, lips. that one that has the chance to hug his warm body! the girl who has the Privilege to love and be loved by him. 

I always and forever envy those girls.

and right now. at this moment I want to cry. 

How I wish that was me! but it will never be.

I will never be that girl.

I'm just.. And I will always and ONLY be a fangirl.

PS.

Ashton Irwin! please save me! and please don't date someone, not right now!!! it will hurt me so much!!

Being A fan Girl Is not that easy.

I swear, being a fan Girl is not that easy.

you'll know it when you see their posts on their accounts, the pictures, and when watching their videos from youtube, instagram, keek or in any social network out there, you feel that "Butterflies in your tummy" thingy

even the simplest, dumbest, the super non-sense videos they make, makes you laugh, makes you go gaga, make you "kilig". and most of all makes you LOVE them even more.

I really don't know why I'm being this way. like you know, mentally dating boy band/band members. having a relationship with them, but of course they don't know about it. and they doesn't even know you exist. but it feels great and sad at the same time. being a fangirl is like a grenade, makes you feel like your going to blow up anytime, whenever they post cute, cool pictures and videos, whenever they have announcements or anything, even if you won't be able to participate and come to whatever they've announced you can feel your heart skips a bit and get excited.

And also! you know it when your heart breaks into pieces by hearing some rumors about your favorite band/boyband/singer dating someone, and you wishes it was you. but unfortunately it will NEVER be me.

there are exactly 71 days left before the #OnTheRoadAgainTour (One Direction) in Manila, and they are already preparing for their tours as i saw on Instagram. And Exactly 62 days left before the Ed Sheeran in Manila concert. and right now, I'm kinda depressed knowing that I won't be able to watch their concert. and maybe on March 12,2015 and March 21&22 2015, I'm going to cry the whole day and night and I'm going to lock myself in my room and never ever go out until the show and the boys is out in the Philippines, its really depressing and I really envy those other fan girls who will get the chance to watch their concert. ( I really wish I was a rich kid so that wont have to doubt about spending money)

okay, so I already accept the truth and it really hurts, this is my first depression in 2015 and it sucks!.
to One Direction and Ed Sheeran I Love you even if I wont be seeing you on your tour.

PHOTOS ARE NOT MINE!
I don't know if this is the Original poster but..yeah.

 the boys wearing Philippine Jersey

and of course the bae! mah bae :)
my love.


And also I'm fan Girl-ling Over 5 SOS. And even if they're not having a concert or haven't been planning a concert yet in the Philippines, I just want to share my Love for 5SOS ( 5 Seconds of Summer)
 this are not their Most recent photo I just love Ash's hair like this. (yeah I have a thing with the drummer boy)

punk rock band from Australia

from left: Ahston Irwin (Drummer), Calum Hood ( Bassist and NOT ASIAN), Michael Clifford (on Lead Guitars) and Luke (guitars) they All sing like all of them have great voices and participates in their songs.

yeah perfection in one photo. 1D and 5SOS

a little trivia:
-Louis Tomlinson discover 5SOS and 1D decided to take them on tour.
 -5 SOS (five SAUCE not five ES OH ES)
- they are all teenagers ( Im 6 months older than their oldest member witch is Ash :) )
- they are not boy band.



*photo's are not mine*