twenty-fifteen

2014 has been tough and very challenging year. 

there's so many trials and problems that I've encountered and as I say in my last blog, 

the year passed by so fast. 

but through it, I've learned so many things,  

- I've learn that not all best are true. 

- Not because you wanted something/someone to stay, it will. because people and things are not permanent.you have to accept things and move forward.

- Try Hard

- Even if the road may seem so rough, keep moving forward besides No pain , No Gain.

- Always treasure every moment (good or bad) and learn from it.

- Enjoy every moment of you life, and be thankful.

- always give your best at everything and be confident.

though 2014 has been tough and quite rough, even if I  lose friends and doesn't have work (yet).there still so many things that I have to thank  God. 

as the year End, I'm thanking God because he never leave me, even if I'm losing faith and stop believing, hes always there and keep on reminding me that he love's me and still there for me no matter what. he keeps on showering blessings even if sometimes I never see it that way. I also thank  God for his provision, for his non stop Love and care. for a complete and healthy family. for keeping us safe. I thank God for everything.

And as 2015 comes, I know God Is still with me. and he will keep on guiding my family and me as I continue my journey. I know 2015 will be a great and blessed year, because I'm with God.

P.S

New years resolution.

-be optimistic,

- reduce madness, hatred and depression.

-never expect, never assume.
-less insecure (I want to say no more insecure but it was impossible so LESS)
-Work hard
-Love my family
-don't get mad easily on stupid and small things
-be patient (no more shouting)
-smile

-Love

and most of all always put God in the center of my everything

Twenty-Fourteen

December 31,2014, 12:29 am.

Last day of the year.so I guess, I have to seize the day. Carpe Diem!

and..

woah, I can't believe the year ended just like that. in an instant.

 I don't have much to talk about because I did nothing.

I think I spend 80% of my 2014 in our house and the rest I guess doing random things.

I can't believe I wasted my time too much on nothing. 

I didn't even lose weight fvck 

It's Over. I guess.

Something's just falling out of place.

I guess that "Friendship" thingy is over.

they hangout with others and I feel like they feel that they belong to that group. 

they keep secrets.you know, that Hanging out with informing em, not inviting em.

I'm not saying and I never said that they can't be friends with others or they can't hang out with others or what, its just that, It's kinda sad, feeling you've been forgotten by your friends, Its kinda suck actually. although they never say it to em. but you know it, and you can feel it. I'm not that numb.

"2014 taught me that people are temporary. We outgrow people and it's okay."

post I saw on Tumblr last week

 and yes it's true. I've realized that people are temporary, you can't control them. even your friendship. People will come and go into your life and you have to be prepared on what might happen in the future right? if they want to leave, they'll leave and you can't make them stay even if you want to.

and you just have to accept it even if it hurts.

and yeah. I've cried for it TONS! i've cried for it so much. and now I can say that I'm okay, I already cried so much and I'm tired of that Sh*t. I'm already in the process of Accpeting. and eventually I will forget the pain.

Current mood. 

PS : If ever they see this post, atleast I said what I wanted to say. and  I love them soo much it hurts seeing them forgetting me. but I still love them. and every time I'm with you guys I just can't explain the happiness I'm feeling and it' can't be paid with money.

Escape

The reason why I stay up too late is mainly because I don't want to over think too much, 

like, How I did earlier, the last time, yesterday and even in the past, like how I was as a person, and my failures. And those thoughts keeps on haunting me every single night. And I always ends up crying, like TONS! hate being exhausted.

I feel kinda depress right now, actually always. I easily got depress over some stupids things, cliche things, that even you if you will know what are those stupid and cliche reasons why I got depress, I know you'll laugh at me. and I, myself,don't even know why. 

whenever I'm on my bed and thinking about things, the past, when I'm alone and can't fall asleep,  everyone were asleep all the things that makes me sad and depress flashbacks and It just hurts so bad. So bad that I have to release it, to cry until I got tired.

So to keep that from happening, I stay up late, so when I was really really sleepy and when I close my eyes and that's it. 

****

Though no one can really avoid it. staying up late is just one of our escape from this particular time but the truth is no one can avoid it. and we have to face it eventually, maybe not now but eventually there will come a time that we'll going to cry and release the pains and it felt good because after that you'll get tired and falls asleep.

PS. 

crying makes you feel better, that's true. but what I'm experiencing right now is not healthy, co'z I was like crying for about three nights. 

(just saying)

Not now, not ever.

It's always fun being with them, 

non-stop laughing, joking, insulting each other.

getting drunk, eat. Laugh again.

and vice versa. though, of course you cant avoid drama's

then misunderstanding happens. and it involves me. though at first I wasn't included in the fight, 

and I was kind of sad because I wasn't supposed to be included, I mean as far I know,I didn't do anything wrong.

It's sad to see friendship falls apart, It's sad because I don't know what to do, we haven't see each other and even talked about it.

I hope It gets better soon, and I hope they're not mad at me.

I don't want this friendshipto be over

Not now, not ever.

I want this friendship lasts forever. 

I love them.

Nahhh!

I don't have much to talk about and it sucks.

lately, all I do is stay and babysit in our house, because I don't have work yet, haay I wish I have. 

It's been seven months and nothing happens. no adventure no travel.

plus! I don't have inspiration. love? friends? or anything

and its been 2 months since I stopped reading.

Rejection

"Rejection doesn't mean you aren't good enough, it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer.

I saw this on tumblr earlier and I hope to feel the same way, to believe that the problem is not me.  

I just got rejected (AGAIN) on an interview. this is funny but sad that I have been through interviews so many times and I always got rejected (I want to cry right now) and its funny, even though I've been through lots of rejections its still hurts. It fvcking HURTS so much every time im having an interview and got rejected. while my batch mates is having a great life and a good Job, I'm still here,stuck, fvcked up,wasted. 

so last Wednesday I had an interview in this soon to open hotel and as I say I got rejected. so there's this guy, the interviewer asked random questions, usually asked through an interview but the thing is, he make it hard, and i don't know why I slightly did not understand him i got blocked or maybe I got shy. Don't get me wrong he's smart, I know he is. and on the last part ( the part when i know that Im rejected) he asked me why I didn't get a job before and I tell him that all my interviews needed a person with experience and I got non, and he tells me that I'm lying, because he said he, himself accepts fresh graduates without experience and he tells me that is because the persons personality, the way that people speak. and he said that I am not confident, that I came there with thoughts of not being good enough. and that moment, that very moment slapped me in the face that maybe he's right, maybe those companies, establishments they're not the problem. its me. I'm the problem I'm not good enough. I'm not beautiful enough, I don't have the good looks, body and maybe I'm not smart enough. Gosh I hate myself, I hate myself for not being good enough.

I failed myself again, and most especially I failed my parents, I failed my Family. I'm so sorry that I am such a failure. I'm sorry for being this way. I'm sorry coz I'm not good enough. I'm sorry because I always fail you. I'm such a failure, I'm such a loser.

and it hurts to know that you're not good enough. sometimes I'm losing faith, maybe stopped believing in my self.

I still want to believe him. I still want to know his purpose for me. and I know he has great plans for me.

We found love right where we are

if your a fan of Ed Sheeran or if you Love his new song "Thinking Out Loud" 

I bet you know were the title came from .

The song is about love of course. how they'll love each other 'till the end.

I've been LSS to this song since forever! and its the "most played" song in my phone right now.

Ed Sheeran is really one of the best composer and singer.

and to the girl who inspired this song, she's sooo lucky. I wish it was me ;) haha!

though i heard  that he's dating someone now, no, not just heard I saw the girls instagram and twitter account which proves that Ed and her are dating. shes lucky :) 

She's really pretty and sexy and hot, the kind of girl that every guy would like to date.

here is the music video of "Thingking out Loud" you can watch it Here.

I never thought Ed Sheeran Dance very well, and I think he lose weight.

Plus! Here is the behind the scenes of his music video which his choreographer's says, that Ed wants to dance in his new music video, nobody tells him to, he just wanted to dance. he really worked hard on practicing his steps and I admire him for that. :)

some photos from the music video from youtube :)

GOODNEWS and BADNEWS

Good News! Ed Sheeran is going to have his concert here in the Philippines (Manila) on March 12,2014 and the ticket is cheaper than One Direction's Concert ticket. Ed's VIP ticket price is Half as the VIP ticket of One DIrection. I wish I could watch him live T_T 

and the Bad news is I don't have Money. poor kid here.

 #PoorKidProblem

SImple introduction

Questions I found From Tumblr

“MAKE ME REGRET PUTTING THIS UP BY BEING CURIOUS AND ASKING ME QUESTIONS.”

—

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?  Alex (Nephew) 2. Are you outgoing or shy?  Outgoing and Shy  3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Ed Sheeran and One Direction (hoping) 4. Are you easy to get along with? Yes. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?  Impossible 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Funny 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? its IMPOSSIBLE  8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Ohshit! he can't be ! 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? syempre naman! haha 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Anna 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?  Diploma in teaching Requirements 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Wake me up - Ed Sheeran, All of me - John Legend, Sunburn - Ed Sheeran, Over Again - One Direction, All too well - Taylor Swift 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? No, my hair sucks 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Miracles only 15. What good thing happened this summer? Aside from Graduating College, Living and Breathing 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Never been Kissed 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? I think so  18. Do you still talk to your first crush? no. 19. Do you like bubble baths? yes. 20. Do you like your neighbors? no. 21. What are you bad habits? drinking 22. Where would you like to travel? I want to travel The world. 23. Do you have trust issues? no. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? eating. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Legs. 26. What do you do when you wake up? Thanking God for a new Life 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Lighter 28. Who are you most comfortable around? Friends. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? no Ex's Haha never had a boyfriend 30. Do you ever want to get married? ofcourse 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? yes. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? HAHA!  33. Spell your name with your chin. jhasqnh azhygtrfeded 34. Do you play sports? What sports? I wat to be Sporty 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? can't live without both. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Always. 37. What do you say during awkward silences? toooot toooot! or " may anghel na dumaan" then Laugh 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? someone i can count on 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? - 40. What do you want to do after high school? - 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? depends on the situation. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?  mad / in pain / depress 43. Do you smile at strangers? no. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Both. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Alex (Nephew) 46. What are you paranoid about? - 47. Have you ever been high? no. 48. Have you ever been drunk? yes. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? yes.  50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Grey 51. Ever wished you were someone else? sometimes. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i had flawless skin 53. Favourite makeup brand? not into make ups. 54. Favourite store? - 55. Favourite blog? Aria and Nina 56. Favourite colour? - 57. Favourite food? - 58. Last thing you ate? nilagang baka 59. First thing you ate this morning? kitkat 60. Ever won a competition? For what? nah! 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?  no. 62. Been arrested? For what? never. 63. Ever been in love?  never been inlove. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? never been kissed HAHA 65. Are you hungry right now? yes.  66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? no 67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook 68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr. 69. Are you watching tv right now? no. 70. Names of your bestfriends? -------------- 71. Craving something? What?  Binagoongang Ampalaya  72. What colour are your towels? Dirty white, yellow and blue 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? two. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? not more that ten i think 75. Favourite animal? bird 76. What colour is your underwear? pink 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla 78. Favourite ice cream flavour?  ube 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? grey 80. What colour pants? pink Pj's 81. Favourite tv show? -  82. Favourite movie? -  83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean Girls. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean Girls 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Regina George 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? nemo 87. First person you talked to today? Mama 88. Last person you talked to today? Mama 89. Name a person you hate? - 90. Name a person you love? - 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? no 92. In a fight with someone? no 93. How many sweatpants do you have?  nine i think  94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? four 95. Last movie you watched? The First Time 96. Favourite actress? - 97. Favourite actor? - 98. Do you tan a lot? no  99. Have any pets? no 100. How are you feeling? steady  101. Do you type fast? sakto lang  102. Do you regret anything from your past? Alot! 103. Can you spell well? yes. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? yes. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yes.  106. Ever broken someone’s heart? no. 107. Have you ever been on a horse? no. 108. What should you be doing? -  109. Is something irritating you right now? -  110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yes. 111. Do you have trust issues? no. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? -  113. What was your childhood nickname?  bimbim 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?  yes. 115. Do you play the Wii? no. 116. Are you listening to music right now? no. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yes. 118. Do you like Chinese food? little. 119. Favourite book? THE FAULT IN OUR STARS 120. Are you afraid of the dark? yes.  121. Are you mean? can't tell. 122. Is cheating ever okay? ofcourse NO! 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? yes. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? NO 125. Do you believe in true love? yes. 126. Are you currently bored? no. 127. What makes you happy? -  128. Would you change your name? no. 129. What your zodiac sign? Aquarius  130. Do you like subway? ---- 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? no guy bestfriend 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? I already answered this. 133. Favourite lyrics right now? your lipstick stain is a work of art 134. Can you count to one million? no. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I'm Okay 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed 137. How tall are you? 5'4 138. Curly or Straight hair? Curly 139. Brunette or Blonde? Black! 140. Summer or Winter? Summer. 141. Night or Day? -  142. Favourite month? December  143. Are you a vegetarian? no 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? White Chocolate 145. Tea or Coffee? both 146. Was today a good day? yes. 147. Mars or Snickers? -  148. What’s your favourite quote? - 149. Do you believe in ghosts? no. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? "Name with place where God had talked with him bethel."

Rejection Hurts.

I wish I wasn't the kind of person who fears many things. 

I mean, I wanted to be productive, Adventurous, and do the YOLO's thingy but how can  do those things when I fear of going Home late. I hate fears,and  I fvcking hate those stupid people doing crimes like stealing, Murdering. why do those things exist? 

I always ask my friends, to do this, go here, go there but they Always reject me. like always. but whenever they were the ones who ask me if i like to do this or go there, go here i always says yes. and I was kind of, get hurt every time those things happens. sometimes I wish i could just duplicate myself every time i feel lonely or needing someone to be with, because i need someone like me, someone who can understand me, and thats me. I mean, need the presence of me being with me.  but I can't, and it's not possible.

right now, I just wish to bring out my fearless side, fearless in a good way, and do things by myself, because I can't count on my friends anymore, though I love them, I really love them, so much. it's just that maybe they don't want the things I wanna do. or maybe they don't like me at all, because they keep on rejecting me and never agree on  my suggestions. I m so Lonely Right now. Gosh this hurts, truth hurts, I guess.

And i guess i should start doing things alone, or by myself. I have to start being happy by myself besides "you create you own happiness''/'' Happiness is a choice''/'' you can't depend your happiness in someone else's hand'' right?  I just hope for the best and wish I was brave enough.

So Drained

Do you ever feel so drained? like there's nothing left, not even yourself, and it's so...

it hurt's.  

I just wanted to be productive, I just wanted to exist, I want a chance. but never had it. I feel so Drained , Empty as well, and right now, I locked out of words but still wanted to continue this. I never been good at anything. sometimes I think, what am I for?
Is there something ahead of me?
I'm still trying to figure out things. I wish I will, sooner.
 I just need Patience and faith.
(crossfingers)

Appreciated

Let me share this "Once in A lifetime opportunity" that I declined. 

And find the reason/s why I declined it.

This is not just a "wala Lang"  coz it really matters though.

Last May 18, my Aunt message me on Facebook about Buying me a ticket and cover all my expenses for One Direction as a graduation gift  ^__^. and yeah it took me 4 minutes to reply 'Coz I was like, Damn what should I do? What should I say? my heart skip beating and I died (not literally)  and I was Happy and Crying at the same time (yeah, I cried Literally). I mean this is what I prayed for, A free One Direction concert Ticket and it happened. and in that moment I wanted to jump and shout because of the happiness I'm feeling.

And suddenly I realized something.

I realized that I can't afford to be happy all by myself, 

yeah I know that this is a Once in a lifetime opportunity and its free and it's not just somebody, This is ONE DIRECTION, my favorite boy band, one of my favorite Artist. As I was saying, I can't afford to be happy all by myself, knowing my love ones/my Family are not, I know this is shallow and some may not understand why? I declined such an opportunity but that is what I had i my heart, I don't wanna be selfish, though I think I deserved this, but I really can't. we're not rich and concert ticket are too expensive even if its a gift, it's just that I love my family so much and I don't wanna be selfish because I'm the only one who will benefit with that. I love One Direction But I love my Family More.

For Tita Anna, 

Thank you so much po, I really appreciate your offer,  . 

Sorry po kung Tinanggihan ko yung offer mo,

but thank you for giving me the chance to watch the concert though i did not accept it.

Thank you so much po talaga.

xoxoxo

I really felt blessed coz not everyone received an opportunity like this, and the thought that even though I'm just a simple girl, living in a simple city, living a simple life will had an opportunity like this.

wow it's really cool.

THANK YOU :)

1D in Manila (ONE DIRECTION INFECTION)

1D in Manila FOR REAL!

this coming March 21, 2015 get your Ovaries ready! haha

They confirmed it through a Video on youtube. but unfortunately when I checked it before writing this, they removed the video due to copyright claim something. But you can read it through Here.

Filipino (Juan) Directioners been wanting this, ever since. And I know right now they're/we still smiling. When I heard it from my friend and read and article about it about (4) Four hours ago (Here) it's like my heart stops for a moment and I can't breathe Literally. I really really want to see them.

No let me rephrase that, I NEED to see them! to feed my fandom HAHA

No seriously, I would Love to see them. Even if not in the VIP. I just want to see them Live, to hear them perform Live. to sing with them. 

But whenever I think of the price of the ticket i just arggg.. How I can I afford it???

I still have no work, and my family is not rich.

BUT this! gives me Motivation, to search for work or to earn money.

but come to think of it,if luckily I have earned money by that time, would you think my conscience would let me sleep by spending money on a concert ticket? yeah I know its a once i a lifetime thing and that's One Direction, not just somebody, but as i have said we're not rich, if i have earned money for a concert ticket, I'd rather give it to my parents than to have Fun all by myself right?

T^T

Right now, Mixed emotions I'm 10000% H A P P Y and kinda depress at the same time.
Happy because finally their going to have a concert here in Philippines
and Depress because the concert ticket is too expensive.
haaay. How I wish I wasn't that poor :(

and oh! here's a screenshot of their video that leaked in social networking sites.

Harry is so cute!!! he did not talk in the video but his gesture says a lot! haha (lip biting) he just stand there, looking in the camera like a little boy doing a puppy eye and biting his lips and haaayyy he i so cute.

Summertime Sadness

yeah, I know it's a Lana Del Rey song and its a beautiful song.
well, her songs are so cool! and she's really beautiful.

 I really felt sad and bad this summer and it is indeed 

a "SUMMERTIME SADNESS"

it's Summer and everybody's waiting for summer, longing for summer.

And everybody LOVES summer.

Damn. I feel worst! one of my most worst summer ever!

at first I thought my summer will be a blast because I started a road trip in march palang and blah blah blah. but I'm wrong I got stuck in our House with non adventure thing happens waiting for the day goes by, sleep, babysitting, TV and repeat, Gosh it SICK! I hadn't even finish my list of books to read

I envy my friends who got to spend their summer in the most adventurous way, they got to spend their summer in other places, in other country, accommodate in a hotel, hike, Island Hopping, Beach, Swim, watch concerts, get drunk! I also envy those artists who got a chance to travel the whole earth and make people smile and happy. I want to cry tons for this.

I CAN"T because I don't have Adventurous Friends, I don't Have Adventurous family, I don't have money, I don't have flawless Skin, gosh It's summer and I can't even wear shorts.

T^T

I really need someone...someone who I can share an Adventure with.

Someone I can trust.

Someone That I can called "My Adventure Buddy/Buddies"

PLAYLIST///2///I'm Still Waiting Patiently

"I'm Still Waiting Patiently"

I know that i've said that I don't think I'll ever have this "Love" thing or the so called "Boyfriend" and I don't know why I keep on hoping in it even if I think I'll never get one. It's just that this songs gives me hope haha.

I'm hopeless but I'm still hoping

(this is so embarrassing though )

let's just start

To whom it may concern - The Civil Wars

"I missed you but I haven't met you" 

How long will I wait to finally meet you?

though I haven't met you yet, I know I love you and I miss you.

A Thousand years - Christina Perri 

"I have died everyday waiting for you"

I'll wait for you, I'll patiently wait for you, I don't care how long it will take but promise me you'll come and I'll promise to fight cause I have loved you for a thousand years, I loved you for a thousand more. 

My heart will Wait - Joe Brooks

" My heart will wait for you."
"My hearts gonna wait for you, always."

I know it's not gonna be easy, it's not meant to be easy. believe in me cause my heart will wait until I will be with you. My heart will wait for you...Always

Synesthesia - Mayonnaise

"I've waiting for you, Waiting for this dream to come true, just to be with you."

"I'm lost for words, endlessly waiting for you " 

I'm slowly falling into you, would you fall too?

not because I haven't met him yet, it doesn't mean I'll never right?

DEAR WHOEVER YOU MIGHT BE, I'M STILL WAITING PATIENTLY :)