Well 21

We'll as you know, I never blog about my birthday, just the day before, wishing I was younger. 

I never blog about it because it's always ... nothing happens. 

just another day. and every year on my birthday, I don't know I just feel sad and un-contended, though I don't have to feel that way, right? I mean I'm thankful. very much thankful for everything. but I always feel this "not contended" thingy and I feel really BAD about it. about how I acted and how I'm feeling. it's really unfair for God because he did and give everything for me, yet I was not contended and unhappy. and I'm sorry papa God.

it's 10:37 pm. 1 hour and 23 minutes before my birthday and I'm 21. 

At 21 I already have so many regrets. wishing that i have done this, that,  went here, there. and everything I wish I did but I didn't do. I know 21 is still young but I wish I did so many things on my younger age. 

well "sabi nga nila: Nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Hindi ka pwedeng mag sisi sa simula"

I wish 2015 and the next years will be my year. I don't want to grow old with so many regrets. 

One of the things I don't want to happen when I get old is sitting in my chair thingking about things I wish I did but I did not do. 

I want to travel the world, write poems, eat. make music, spent precious moments with my family and friends. watch concerts. had a beautiful Job, to be successful, contented and many things!

 and maybe fall inlove. 

Happy Birthday to me!

PS. dear self, please be Happy, Try not to cry this year and be contended.

What hurts the most?

I don't know what hurts most, Being in love with a super famous guy who is so much far from you and maybe you'll never get to meet him.

or some guy who is near from you but you can't have him?

though I never felt the second question. I mean I'm just curious, there are girls who falls in love with  her classmate, or his schoolmate, childhood friend or her neighbor who is really near from her but they can't be together.

And me?. having a BIG crush or I guess LOVE towards  a member of a boyband. Is there a difference between the two? or who is much acceptable? 

Maybe the other girl right? being in love with the guy who is near from her. and the fact that you two knew each other, and see's each other, and talked to each other.

though she can't have him. but there's a chance and really acceptable. 

And being in love with a famous guy who is a member of a famous boy band is UN-acceptable for so many people, some may say that it's nonsense, it is cliche  and so stupid. some may say "that guy didn't even know you, he didn't know you exist and you haven't talked to him. and now your telling me that your'e in love with him?"

SAD but true! I don't know why? but I have the feels. 

you know that feeling, the pain you get after seeing him with a girl on the internet? those candid photos of him and the girl he's dating?. when he is rumored and see's dating this girl, that girl? One of the things that hurts is all the girls that hes' dating and he dated is so perf, and flawless and so sexy and beautiful? the feeling when you know you can't be that girl, that you will never be that girl?

you know it? Well it sucks! 

you know what? it will heal in time. they always said that pain is not permanent right? and will pass and it will get better right? 

And the truth is I think their relationship won't last. 

this is Nadine Leopold. Harry and her are rumored dating

This was my very first heartbroken in 2015

 I have a little story:

that day, I saw it on facebook on some article and when I clikcked and read it I cried (the cry joke) and I'm with my 3year old Nephew who knows that I like Harry Styles (well actually what he knows is Harry is my Boyfriend so if you asked him right now who is my Boyfriend he will tell you it's Harry STyles hahahaha)so back to the story I'm crying(the cry joke) saying "Harry Already has a girlfriend. Alex! (my nephews name)harry has a girlfriend!" he slapped me in the face so Hard! maybe he got annoyed hahaha! so thats the story and I know its stupid.

this was taken last january 7,2015 Nadine's Birthday Lunch at Habana in Malibu plus! they also had dinner together with some friends at Nobu in Malibu. plus! harry gave her pink balloons which he's car is filled with those pink balloons while arriving in the venue

what a lucky girl. I always wanted Harry.

 And this was taken yesterday January 22, 2015 this photo is from a fans twitter (@haileybuitrago) which his father taken.

this picture also took yesterday January 22,2015 while Harry and Nadine getting frozen yogurt in LA.

(sad face while typing.)

Those Lucky Girls! the girls that Harry dated. the girls that have the privilege to kiss his smooth, lovely, lips. that one that has the chance to hug his warm body! the girl who has the Privilege to love and be loved by him. 

I always and forever envy those girls.

and right now. at this moment I want to cry. 

How I wish that was me! but it will never be.

I will never be that girl.

I'm just.. And I will always and ONLY be a fangirl.

PS.

Ashton Irwin! please save me! and please don't date someone, not right now!!! it will hurt me so much!!

Being A fan Girl Is not that easy.

I swear, being a fan Girl is not that easy.

you'll know it when you see their posts on their accounts, the pictures, and when watching their videos from youtube, instagram, keek or in any social network out there, you feel that "Butterflies in your tummy" thingy

even the simplest, dumbest, the super non-sense videos they make, makes you laugh, makes you go gaga, make you "kilig". and most of all makes you LOVE them even more.

I really don't know why I'm being this way. like you know, mentally dating boy band/band members. having a relationship with them, but of course they don't know about it. and they doesn't even know you exist. but it feels great and sad at the same time. being a fangirl is like a grenade, makes you feel like your going to blow up anytime, whenever they post cute, cool pictures and videos, whenever they have announcements or anything, even if you won't be able to participate and come to whatever they've announced you can feel your heart skips a bit and get excited.

And also! you know it when your heart breaks into pieces by hearing some rumors about your favorite band/boyband/singer dating someone, and you wishes it was you. but unfortunately it will NEVER be me.

there are exactly 71 days left before the #OnTheRoadAgainTour (One Direction) in Manila, and they are already preparing for their tours as i saw on Instagram. And Exactly 62 days left before the Ed Sheeran in Manila concert. and right now, I'm kinda depressed knowing that I won't be able to watch their concert. and maybe on March 12,2015 and March 21&22 2015, I'm going to cry the whole day and night and I'm going to lock myself in my room and never ever go out until the show and the boys is out in the Philippines, its really depressing and I really envy those other fan girls who will get the chance to watch their concert. ( I really wish I was a rich kid so that wont have to doubt about spending money)

okay, so I already accept the truth and it really hurts, this is my first depression in 2015 and it sucks!.
to One Direction and Ed Sheeran I Love you even if I wont be seeing you on your tour.

PHOTOS ARE NOT MINE!
I don't know if this is the Original poster but..yeah.

 the boys wearing Philippine Jersey

and of course the bae! mah bae :)
my love.


And also I'm fan Girl-ling Over 5 SOS. And even if they're not having a concert or haven't been planning a concert yet in the Philippines, I just want to share my Love for 5SOS ( 5 Seconds of Summer)
 this are not their Most recent photo I just love Ash's hair like this. (yeah I have a thing with the drummer boy)

punk rock band from Australia

from left: Ahston Irwin (Drummer), Calum Hood ( Bassist and NOT ASIAN), Michael Clifford (on Lead Guitars) and Luke (guitars) they All sing like all of them have great voices and participates in their songs.

yeah perfection in one photo. 1D and 5SOS

a little trivia:
-Louis Tomlinson discover 5SOS and 1D decided to take them on tour.
 -5 SOS (five SAUCE not five ES OH ES)
- they are all teenagers ( Im 6 months older than their oldest member witch is Ash :) )
- they are not boy band.



*photo's are not mine*

twenty-fifteen

2014 has been tough and very challenging year. 

there's so many trials and problems that I've encountered and as I say in my last blog, 

the year passed by so fast. 

but through it, I've learned so many things,  

- I've learn that not all best are true. 

- Not because you wanted something/someone to stay, it will. because people and things are not permanent.you have to accept things and move forward.

- Try Hard

- Even if the road may seem so rough, keep moving forward besides No pain , No Gain.

- Always treasure every moment (good or bad) and learn from it.

- Enjoy every moment of you life, and be thankful.

- always give your best at everything and be confident.

though 2014 has been tough and quite rough, even if I  lose friends and doesn't have work (yet).there still so many things that I have to thank  God. 

as the year End, I'm thanking God because he never leave me, even if I'm losing faith and stop believing, hes always there and keep on reminding me that he love's me and still there for me no matter what. he keeps on showering blessings even if sometimes I never see it that way. I also thank  God for his provision, for his non stop Love and care. for a complete and healthy family. for keeping us safe. I thank God for everything.

And as 2015 comes, I know God Is still with me. and he will keep on guiding my family and me as I continue my journey. I know 2015 will be a great and blessed year, because I'm with God.

P.S

New years resolution.

-be optimistic,

- reduce madness, hatred and depression.

-never expect, never assume.
-less insecure (I want to say no more insecure but it was impossible so LESS)
-Work hard
-Love my family
-don't get mad easily on stupid and small things
-be patient (no more shouting)
-smile

-Love

and most of all always put God in the center of my everything

Twenty-Fourteen

December 31,2014, 12:29 am.

Last day of the year.so I guess, I have to seize the day. Carpe Diem!

and..

woah, I can't believe the year ended just like that. in an instant.

 I don't have much to talk about because I did nothing.

I think I spend 80% of my 2014 in our house and the rest I guess doing random things.

I can't believe I wasted my time too much on nothing. 

I didn't even lose weight fvck 

It's Over. I guess.

Something's just falling out of place.

I guess that "Friendship" thingy is over.

they hangout with others and I feel like they feel that they belong to that group. 

they keep secrets.you know, that Hanging out with informing em, not inviting em.

I'm not saying and I never said that they can't be friends with others or they can't hang out with others or what, its just that, It's kinda sad, feeling you've been forgotten by your friends, Its kinda suck actually. although they never say it to em. but you know it, and you can feel it. I'm not that numb.

"2014 taught me that people are temporary. We outgrow people and it's okay."

post I saw on Tumblr last week

 and yes it's true. I've realized that people are temporary, you can't control them. even your friendship. People will come and go into your life and you have to be prepared on what might happen in the future right? if they want to leave, they'll leave and you can't make them stay even if you want to.

and you just have to accept it even if it hurts.

and yeah. I've cried for it TONS! i've cried for it so much. and now I can say that I'm okay, I already cried so much and I'm tired of that Sh*t. I'm already in the process of Accpeting. and eventually I will forget the pain.

Current mood. 

PS : If ever they see this post, atleast I said what I wanted to say. and  I love them soo much it hurts seeing them forgetting me. but I still love them. and every time I'm with you guys I just can't explain the happiness I'm feeling and it' can't be paid with money.

Escape

The reason why I stay up too late is mainly because I don't want to over think too much, 

like, How I did earlier, the last time, yesterday and even in the past, like how I was as a person, and my failures. And those thoughts keeps on haunting me every single night. And I always ends up crying, like TONS! hate being exhausted.

I feel kinda depress right now, actually always. I easily got depress over some stupids things, cliche things, that even you if you will know what are those stupid and cliche reasons why I got depress, I know you'll laugh at me. and I, myself,don't even know why. 

whenever I'm on my bed and thinking about things, the past, when I'm alone and can't fall asleep,  everyone were asleep all the things that makes me sad and depress flashbacks and It just hurts so bad. So bad that I have to release it, to cry until I got tired.

So to keep that from happening, I stay up late, so when I was really really sleepy and when I close my eyes and that's it. 

****

Though no one can really avoid it. staying up late is just one of our escape from this particular time but the truth is no one can avoid it. and we have to face it eventually, maybe not now but eventually there will come a time that we'll going to cry and release the pains and it felt good because after that you'll get tired and falls asleep.

PS. 

crying makes you feel better, that's true. but what I'm experiencing right now is not healthy, co'z I was like crying for about three nights. 

(just saying)